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South Knox Bubba recently obtained  this leaked copy of GW's planned speech at the Knoxville Civic Coliseum on Monday April 8th, 2002.

White House Staff Memo
Internal Distribution Only

From: Ari Fleischer
Subject: President's Knoxville Civic Coliseum Speech
Status: [Chief of Staff and Communications Director Signoff Pending]

Please forward comments/revisions to my office.


Thank you, it's great to be here in the hills of East Tennessee in Big Orange Country…

[pause for applause, standing ovation]

I know you'd probably rather hear from Phil Fulmer today about the spring workouts…

[pause for applause, standing ovation]

But I'm here to talk to you today about some matters of greatest national importance. Firstly, though, let me just say that I've been touring your Police Academy, and I am mighty impressed. Your boys (and girls) in blue are doing a bang-up job.

I told them, though, how sorry I was that I had to cut that last fellow's Community Oriented Policing Services program. I know that program put 70,000 new officers on the streets, and that money could be better spent on reducing crime through family values like no abortions and going to church.

I'm also sorry about that Technology Opportunity Program that gives free surveillance and computer monitoring equipment and whatnot to local police. But, John Ashcroft tells me that spying on U.S. citizens is work better left to the Federal Government.

But let me tell you the exciting news. Our new Citizen Corps is going to help you help out your local policemen to do their job more better with less taxations. The Citizen Corps will enable American volunteers…

[pause for applause, standing ovation]

to participate directly in homeland security efforts in your own communities. This way you won't need hire so many policemen and you will save on gas and bullets and the donut shops will be less over crowded.

Our new Volunteers…

[pause for applause, standing ovation]

in Police Service Program gets ordinary citizens like yourself to help out your local police departments to perform non-sworn functions like fetching donuts and counting money taken away from drug dealers. This program, also known as the Barney Fife Brigade, will free up police officers to perform more vital front-line duties like writing parking tickets and harassing downtown drinking establishments and their patrons.

Our new Terrorist Information and Prevention System will involve local transportation workers, postal workers, and public utility employees to identify and report suspicious activities linked to terrorism and crime. They will have a hotline directly to John Ashcroft to report any swarthy men seen hanging around your neighborhoods or nuclear reactors or those tank farms just across the river there, and they will closely monitor the comings and goings at the Time Out Deli.

I am also doubling the number of Neighborhood Watch Programs, and enhancing the program to include terrorism prevention into its mission. Intelligence developed by John Ashcroft since September 11th tells us that these so-called Tupperware Parties are actually Al-Queda organizational and planning meetings, and that Al-Queda frequently infiltrate neighborhood Welcome Wagon programs to recruit new operatives for their local terrorist cells. We have also learned that garage sales are a major source of terrorist funding and that black-market arms are frequently bought and sold there.

Last but not least, our new Medical Reserve Corps will enlist retired healthcare professionals to help out local health officials' capacity to respond to emergencies such as cutting off Tenncare. They will be stationed at Emergency Rooms around town to help out with treatment of flu-like symptoms, stabbings, and crack overdoses.

I hope you will join me as we enter the new Age of Responsibilityism and Anti-Terrorism in supporting these new initialitives, and get out and volunteer…

[pause for applause, standing ovation]

for one of these fine programs. Along with our new terrorism color coding system and elimination of nail clipping, sewing, whittling, and target shooting on commercial airlines, this will help us put a stop to terrorist threats in our communities and make Americans feel safer staying in their own homes.

One last thing before I go, I want to thank you, the citizens of the great state of Tennessee…

[pause for applause, standing ovation]

for helping us out in November of 2000, and especially for humiliating my opponent by not letting him win his own home state. If you hadn't helped us kick those commie perverts out of the White House there's no telling what shape our economy or national security would be in today.

But our work is not done. Your fine Senator Thompson has decided not to seek reelection, so that will leave a big gaping hole in the Senate floor where we need to make sure we have right thinking God fearing family values men deciding what corporations should get tax breaks and big government handouts. So I encourage you to get out and support your GOP candidate, whoever that might be. Some have suggested this funny looking fellow sitting right behind me here…

[pause for applause, standing ovation]

and I'm sure he would do a fine job in Washington for your state just like he has done for your city.

Thank you all, and God Bless America, and God Bless the Big Orange Volunteers of Tennessee!

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