ďFolks, we have a big election coming up, and itís real important to talk about the issues, not a bunch of slanderations and libelisms about youthly indiscriminations dug up by my components. Along with other great Republicans like Henry Hyde, Tom DeLay, Ken Starr, Rush Limbaugh, and some others I could name, I think there has to be a finer line drawn between a fellowís personal life that should be personally private, and his public services which are a matter of records for the courts. If we put every candidate and every pubic official and all their indescrepencies under the microscope, where will we find good, standupping, Christian men to service our great nation? Who will be left to end the age of cynicalism and begin the new age of responsibilityism?
Look, whatís really at the stake here is lots of important electrical votes in the battleship states. And socially securedness is one of the biggest issues scaring people. My opposite wants to scare you in the voting booths, make you believe Iíll do away with socialable securedness. That is just scare tacks based on some fuzzy mathematicals. Why, if we let him, heíll jump right out at you from behind that curtain and scare the bejeepers out of you. But Iím here to tell your folks. Read my lips. Nobody is going to loose no beneficiaries under my plans. Heck, I want every Amarican to get their fair shares of sociable securedness, just like the next fellow. They should just have some options to keep some of their own taxations and investigate it however it fits them to see it.
And make no mistakes about it. I know socially secureness is a Federalistic program, just like Unicef, the Red Crosses, Toys for Tots, the Salvation Air Force, and all those other great Feral programs you wonít loose under my administeration. And I know it was started up by that Frank P. Roosenfelter guy and his brother Terry back during the great impression. What, did you think I just fell off the pumpkin truck? Heck, no, Iíve been around a few blocks or two. Thatís what a governor does, he leads.
Now, on taxes, I want every Amarican to get their fair share of taxes. My opposite wants to pick and choose who should get cut. Thatís because heís a picker. And a chooser. Of course, I want all my good friends to get cuts, because they pay the most of all the taxes. But the working man and a woman needs a tax cut too. Under my plan, every Amarican will get at least enough for a bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes, and that will help the working man and his woman get through the day and look forward to a brighter future tomorrow.
And letís talk about educationals. I and my family was fortunately to attend to the finest Ivory League fraternizations my Daddyís money could buy. But not everybody is as fortuitousness like my family. Thatís why under my plan, every Amarican will have the optionals to option out of the publicly educated and weíll give you some money to send your kids to go to some of the other better schools of your own choices. That way we can bring some competitivenesses back into the game, just like in the private sections.
Now, about the military and foreigner politics. I know you probably think the governor of a big state like Texas may not have the most experiences in these important areas. I just want you to know that running a big state highway patrol and dealing with all these illegal immigrations along our borders has prepared me well for the job. And Iíll be hiring a great team of cabinets to advise me on the importance of these issues. And my first prioritization as your President will be to get our military preparedlessness up there right away. Our fighting men and sailors are exposed to great dangers every day they go out to protect our freedoms all over the world and right here in our homes, and I pledge allegiance to fix that.
Another confrontational topic is a womanís right to choose. Which woman? To choose what? How many more choices does this woman need? There are a lot of good choices out there for this woman today, she just needs to choose one. I donít see why we need a Federalistic government or Supremes on the Court to help her choose. Theyíre pretty busy with some other important things, so itís up to her to choose the right choice. A lot of good people can disagreement on this, but it seems fairly simplistic to me and I think most right thinking Amaricans agree.
And, you know, my opposite says heís the environmental candidacy. I donít even know what that means. Does he go out every day and hug big trees, beg those mean old lumberjacks to ďplease donít kill meĒ? Does he ride a bicycle to work? I donít know. But I do know that the Bush campaign is the environmentally sounding policy. We need responsible exploitations of our natural resourcefulness so we can have foods and water, and wood for chairs and things like that. Otherwise, what will you sit on? And we need more oil from our forests and oceans so we can continue driving our cars. Otherwise, how will we get to work every day? With my environmentic policies we will have plenty of oil, gas will be cheaper, and that old Saddam can go sell his oils at the flea market.
Speaking of the death penalty, down in Texas we are real proud of our records on this topic. We keep real good records, and I invite anyone to come on down and take a look at them. As governor, I have a responsibility to make sure the wills of the people of Texas are carried out, and that is exactly what I have done over one hundred times. I make sure the wills are carried out to the mailbox to be forwarded on to the next of kin with the correct address and all the necessary postage. Some folks have suggested that criminals donít always get fair trials due to poor representation and whatnot. Well, our public defenders are some of the finest lawyers to graduate from any night school. And theyíre not poor. We pay them a at least twice minimum wage. Itís not our fault if they keep falling asleep during trials. We donít force them to take night jobs at convenience stores or come in to court drunk. As for DNA testing, in Texas we consider that a bunch of voodoo hogwash with about as much scientific credititability as evolutionaryism.
Finally, you know, our government is just too big, and I want you to help me fix that, too. We canít trust those Federals up in Washington with our taxations, our schools, our childrenís characterizations, taking care of the poor people or the sick people who arenít even in Washington, or building roads and airplane carriers and atomic missiles. This work is better left to the Amarican worker folks who best knows how to spend their own money and the big corporations they work for. Except maybe those fine Federal employees who fix up Air Force One and fly it. I suppose we can trust them OK. Heck, theyíre probably good olí Texas boys. Anyway, these budgetary surprises the Democrats wants to spend is your money, I just want to give back some of it to you, the Amarican workers. Itís your money, and if you vote for me Iíll make sure you earn it.
Folks, I hope I can count on your vote next Thursday, so we can get the Party of Lincoln-Mercury back in the White House and get our congressional men and our other good folks around Amarica some of the help they desperately needed. You know, some might say my opposite is the more qualified man, a man with more experiences, a more intelligently man, a man of better character and demeanors, maybe even a better looking man. I say people are more important than parties, and better looking at parties. Itís time for some passionate deservitism, time to restore some dignitaries to the White House, time for a uniter not a divisitator, time for a man who will put in a good solid eight-hour day for the people with no tomfoolery around the office. I say theyíve have had their chance, and now itís time for you to take your chances. Itís time to end the age of cynicalism, and begin the age of responsibilityism, and I am the best Bush to charge that lead.Ē
"I do slovenly swear that I will fatefully execute the Office of the President of the United States, and will to the best of my liability, pervert, defect, and amend the constitution of the United States."
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