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A Study of Human Behavior
by Dr. Ranger P. Snufflebutt, PhD.
Dept. of Anthropomorphology,
Great Den of Knowledge Barkiversity

Purpose

This study was developed to help puppies prepare for entering the mysterious and frightful world of the Human. By better understanding these vile creatures and the motivations behind their bizarre and unpredictable behaviors, puppies will hopefully learn to accept their fate and enjoy long and relatively happy lives in peaceful coexistence with their oppressive “masters”.

Part I: Historical Background

In the beginning there were great forests, snowy mountains, and vast plains, where our ancestral packs roamed free. There in this unspoiled and beautiful land they hunted, played, mated, howled, and generally had a grand old time. Yes indeed, life was good.

Then, along came a curious new species with no tail and practically no fur. This extraordinarily ugly beast walked around mainly on its hind legs due to its short and pitifully deformed front legs. It appeared to be rather stupid and ill equipped to carry on normal day to day business. Its senses of hearing and smell were practically nonexistent, its pitifully weak jaw held only the tiniest and most ineffective teeth, and it was unable to chase down even the smallest of creatures such as a squirrel or rabbit. The great alphas debated at length as to just how such an unlikely creature ever came to be or how they could even reach mating age in sufficient numbers to maintain their packs.

However, in spite of its ignorance, deformities, and a general paucity of skills, the beast had something unusual and very interesting on the paws of its pitiful front legs – a peculiar, misshapen claw that protruded at an odd angle. “Humans”, as the beasts later came to be known, called this claw an “opposable thumb”. This “thumb” claw gave the Humans great powers over the other creatures and even the land itself. There are other theories which suggest that their huge, melon-shaped “noggins” also play some role in the development of these abilities, but this has never been substantiated.

Humans used these powers mostly for evil, dominating all of the land and its creatures through the use of senseless violence and destruction. There were a few “good” breeds of Humans that lived and hunted in small packs. They conducted business in a mostly natural and acceptable way, peacefully coexisting with the land and the other creatures. As time went on, however, larger packs of lighter colored Humans arrived from across the large “bad water” to complete the Human domination of the natural world.

These light colored humans were the most evil and despicable of all the “two-legged” creatures. They roamed in noisy, smelly packs, attacked without provocation, and killed for no apparent reason. They were even known to enslave others of their own species, which were forced to engage in bizarre forms of organized digging in something called “fields”. This activity was apparently designed to somehow provide food for the light colored packs as they grew fatter and lazier yet more powerful.

The great alphas fought bravely, but eventually the Humans achieved total domination over Dogs, forever subjugating us to their evil will. Over the years, Humans have divided our packs and genetically manipulated our ancestors to produce diverse mutations of ridiculous, pathetic, neurotic, and otherwise totally useless new “breeds”, apparently to the delight and amusement of our evil “masters”. They have even been observed gathering in large packs to boast of their “accomplishments” as they show their evil works to one another and award “prizes” (similar to “treats”) for the most horribly deformed specimens. They now control every aspect of Dog life such that we have become totally dependent on them for food, warmth, reproduction, exercise, and even affection.

Part II: Survival in the Human World 

Topic 1: Nourishment

Perhaps no other topic is of more importance or interest to the Dog. Because Dogs are almost totally dependent on our Human “masters” for nourishment, it is important to understand Human behavior in this regard, including the “double standard” which exists in most packs.

While Dogs enslaved in captivity by Humans enjoy an occasional opportunity to obtain acceptable, naturally occurring nourishment such as rabbits or squirrels, such opportunities are fleeting in most Human “urban” or “suburban” settings. Even if sources of game exist, Humans contain Dogs in such controlled environments that freedom to hunt or otherwise pursue the game is severely restricted.

But, because even addle-minded Humans understand that Dogs require nourishment to function, they have developed over the years a variety of artificial nutrients for Dogs that they call “food”. It is interesting to note that Humans have a separate variety of nourishment available exclusively (in most cases) to Humans, which is also called “food”. As we will see, however, there is a vast disparity between what Humans consider “food” versus that deemed suitable for Dog consumption.

As best as Dog scientists can determine, Dog “food” is manufactured by Humans, primarily from the “byproducts”, i.e. leftover materials, of the Human food manufacturing process. These “byproducts” are parts and pieces of game that most self- respecting Dogs would not eat even from a fresh kill. These parts and pieces are ground up, processed, and mixed with other unknown ingredients to form small, hard, dry pellets known as “kibble”, designed to disguise the true origin and makeup of the nutrients. This process is also supposed to make the “kibble” more palatable to the Dog’s taste and to provide all the necessary “vitamins and minerals”. (Note that Dog scientists are not yet certain as to the purpose of these mysterious additive ingredients, but it is generally thought to involve suppression of normal mating instincts).

Another form of Dog “food” manufactured by Humans presents a more “natural” form of nourishment, at least in the simple minds of Humans. Known commonly as “canned food”, this substance is manufactured from the same leftover materials as “kibble”, but the parts and pieces undergo less processing. With this form of “food”, the parts and pieces are simply compressed into a cylindrical metal container along with some sugar, water, and liquefied “byproduct” known to Humans as “gravy”. Some Humans believe this form of “food” to be somehow more palatable to Dogs and therefore healthier. Dogs forced to consume this horrible concoction, however, report frequent occurrence of unnaturally messy eliminations, and are frequently seen dragging their identification ports through the grass in an effort to maintain acceptable levels of personal hygiene.

It is interesting to note that Humans reserve the best parts of the prey for their own consumption, and that Human “food”, while still manufactured, undergoes far less processing and is thus far more appealing. Humans are very fond of the haunches, shoulders, and ribs of the prey, and manufacture a variety of “cuts”, or oddly shaped pieces of prey, which are prominently displayed in glass and steel encased shrines called “butcher shops” or “meat departments”, where they are tended to by prey  shrine priests and worshiped by Humans. Once the “cuts of meat” begin to ripen (or “deteriorate” as it is called by Humans), the priests of the prey shrines exchange the oddly shaped pieces of prey for shiny discs or little pieces of folded paper brought to the shrine by the Humans. Dog scientists believe this to be some form of ancient spiritual tribute to the Human’s former but now sadly absent ability to hunt their own prey.

The pieces of prey are then inexplicably burned by the Humans, removing most of the blood, juices, and flavors, and reducing the prey pieces to shriveled, charred remnants that are then consumed in a ritualistic ceremony called “dinner”. The purpose of this burning ritual and subsequent “dinner” ceremony is unknown to Dog scientists, but it is largely believed to be some sort of mystical rite practiced by Humans as a result of some primitive superstition or simply general ignorance.

Another interesting difference to note is that Humans, unlike Dogs, are able to consume and digest plant materials directly or with only minimal preparation, whereas Dogs traditionally obtained plant nutrients from the stomachs and intestines of freshly killed herbivores where they are already partially digested for the Dog. Despite their cruelty and boorish behavior, it is sad that Humans have never enjoyed the robust flavors and aromas of a freshly killed deer or rabbit’s entrails.

Notwithstanding the obvious disparity in the quality of Human versus Dog “food”, there are two Human foods that are very similar to Dog “foods” in terms of their content and manufacturing process. Humans call these foods “hamburgers” and “hot Dogs” (a curiously unfortunate designation, but no cause for alarm because it is generally believed that this food does not actually contain Dog). Because humans are for some reason more inclined to share this particular form of Human food, Dogs have over the years developed a taste for these delicacies. It is possible that their similarity to Dog “food” has also contributed significantly to this phenomenon.

Although Humans rarely share their superior food with Dogs (with the exception of the aforementioned “hamburgers” and “hot Dogs”), Dogs may find opportunities to sample Human fare during large gatherings of humans at certain “dinner” ceremonies. Some Humans, particularly younger male pups and the older females, are for some reason predisposed to share with their Dog companions. These Humans seem willing to provide small pieces of prey to Dogs lurking under the “table”, a device frequently used in Human feeding ceremonies. This behavior usually results in the Alpha Human barking at the offending Human, especially when it is a younger male pup.

Dog scientists specializing in Human behavior suggest that Dogs seek out the older females with white fur on their heads for the most promising Human food sharing opportunities. Mastering eye contact from a “sit” position, with a slightly bowed head and uplifted eyes seems to be the most effective strategy to pursue. Dogs should not, however, expect Humans to offer pre-chewed food or to regurgitate partially digested food for the Dog. This perfectly normal behavior is for some reason discouraged by Alpha Humans during Human feeding rituals.

One final, but very important note regarding Human food: Just as the poorly designed Human digestive system reacts to ingesting the entrails of a three-day-old rabbit kill by rendering the Human violently ill and thus incapacitated, Dogs can suffer extreme reactions to certain Human foods. Two of the most widely known toxic Human foods are “onions” and “chocolate”. These are to be avoided by Dogs at all costs. In general, Dog scientists recommend that Dogs avoid ingesting anything found inside a Human den unless it is placed in the Dog’s “food” bowl by a Human, or is given to the Dog by a trusted Human member of the pack. Although the temptation to climb up on Human food preparation areas or to rummage in Human treat receptacles is strong, it is best resisted to avoid the possibility of serious illness.

Topic 2: Elimination

For some mysterious and unknown reason, Humans are obsessed with marking and the elimination of bodily wastes. Perhaps their obsession is related in some way to their own strange behaviors in this regard.

For example, the Male of the species is frequently observed marking the same spot over and over, usually the water bowl (ugh!) in one of the small rooms of the den. It is apparently too stupid to even raise its leg when it marks, but this is probably due to its handicap of having to stand on its two hind legs. The Female of the species does not appear to eliminate at all. It is not clear what purpose is served by repeatedly marking the same spot, and it is unknown why the Male does not adequately mark its other territories.

Both, however, frequently and inexplicably return to the repeatedly marked spot to “squat” over it, sometimes for extended periods. The female appears to engage in this behavior with greater frequency than the male. During this behavior, strange sounds and unpleasant odors frequently emanate from the marked area, followed by a large “whooshing” noise. The purpose of this behavior is unclear, but it may be related to some form of communication, a bizarre mating ritual, or simply a neurotic behavior resulting from the Human’s tragically unnatural existence.

Nevertheless, Humans show a great deal of interest in the Dog’s elimination process. Even though the Human male is allowed to mark inside certain areas of the den, the Dog is forever forbidden from doing so, even in cases of extreme emergency. At the first sign of elimination by the Dog, its Human “master” will commence with loud, frantic barking, and sometimes strike or kick the Dog. The dog will then be removed to an area outside the Den, where the frantic Human barking will continue until the Dog eliminates.

If the Dog is left unsupervised and should forget the Human rules regarding marking or elimination inside the Den area, it may suffer the humiliation of having its nose rubbed in its own waste, accompanied by more loud, frantic barking, snarling, and growling, and sometimes even a beating upon discovery by the Human. The purpose of this behavior is not clear, but it apparently provides the Human some form of pleasure or gratification.

In some cases, the Dog is removed from the Den at periodic intervals for no apparent reason. The Human will then begin the “elimination bark” and continue until the poor, hapless creature manages to eliminate, at which time it will be “praised” and taken back into the den. The entire procedure is monitored closely by the Human, affording little modesty for the Dog. This behavior appears to reinforce the Human’s feelings of dominance over the dog, and may possibly compensate for the its apparent inability to otherwise mark its own territory.

While accompanying Humans on “walks” outside the immediate area of the Den, the Dog frequently experiences the need to mark or eliminate. Random marking is usually tolerated by the Human, except for the marking of certain Human made objects. Some humans seem to place a great deal of value in the Dog’s eliminations, which are sometimes gathered in small, translucent containers and deposited in circular treat receptacles. It is not clear what becomes of these deposits, but Dog scientists theorize that they are re-processed to manufacture some type of food or treats for other Humans. Regardless of its purpose, this particular activity is a great source of amusement for Dogs and one of our few opportunities to engage our Human “masters” in humiliating behavior without fear of reprisal.

Topic 3: Playtime

Dog scientists have identified two primary types of Humans: those who enjoy interacting with their captive Dog companions, and those who don’t.

For the unfortunate Dog whose evil Human “master” falls in the latter category, Dog scientists can offer only condolences, and suggestions that the Dog occupy himself by inventing his own games and diversions. Chewing is the primary form of self-entertainment for neglected captives. Barking, marking, and creative elimination offer other forms of Dog entertainment and diversion.

Chewing opportunities abound in most Human dens. Wooden “legs”, or upright appendages supporting various structures around the den are excellent sources of chewing pleasure. These appendages, once sufficiently penetrated, are similar in taste and texture to “sticks” that occur naturally in the outdoor areas of the Dog’s territory. 

Human paw coverings, called “shoes”, also offer excellent chewing opportunities. These devices are frequently manufactured from the skins of killed prey, or other artificial materials similar in appearance and texture. These “shoes” have the added benefit of being strongly marked with the inattentive Human master’s scent, facilitating the neglected Dog’s fantasies of gnawing on the paw of its freshly killed master.

Marking and creative elimination are also fun activities for the neglected Dog. Dogs contained inside the den should seek out the fur-covered grounds for marking to create the greatest and most lingering effect. With elimination, Dogs should consider creative placement such as difficult (for Humans) to reach areas under Human sitting or sleeping apparatus, or inside Human “shoes” (excepting of course the ones targeted for chewing).

For Dogs confined outside, opportunities are more limited. Marking of carefully prepared Human planting areas, or “gardens”, is frequently a rewarding activity, as is elimination in various areas likely to be trod by Humans.  For most outdoor captives, however, barking is likely the most enjoyable pastime. Obvious opportunities such as “mail men” or other Human intruders exist, but simply barking incessantly for no obvious reason at all can be a highly rewarding activity that is appreciated by all Humans in the vicinity. The Dog should add variety to his repertoire by including occasional sessions of howling in addition to his frantic barking. This combination offers the best likelihood of encouraging other Dogs in the neighborhood to join in.

For the more fortunate Dog whose Human “master” takes pleasure in occasional Human-Dog interaction, playtime can be more entertaining and fulfilling. To maximize the playtime experience, however, there are several bizarre and idiosyncratic Human behaviors that the Dog must understand. Complete understanding of these behaviors will facilitate the Dogs ability to adapt his responses for a more productive and rewarding interaction with the Human.

One of the most frequent Human playtime activities, especially in the Dog’s earlier formative years, is called “training”. This activity consists of the Human barking at the Dog, the Dog subsequently performing some peculiar behavior associated with the specific barking sound, followed by a “reward”, or nourishment pellet “treat”, given to the Dog by the Human. The purpose of this “training” activity is unknown to Dog scientists, but it appears that Humans derive from it great pleasure and feelings of accomplishment. More importantly, this particular playtime activity results in additional nourishment opportunities for the Dog.

Humans frequently enjoy demonstrating their captive Dog’s “training” by having the Dog perform these behaviors for other visiting Humans. For some reason, Humans associate these behaviors with “intelligence”, which is apparently highly regarded by Humans even though it is rarely if ever exhibited in their own behavior.

One of the first training behaviors the Dog is expected to perform is “sit” when commanded by the Human, which is indicated by the Human emitting a specific bark. While most Dogs would rather “lie” (unless they are chasing a rabbit or a squirrel), sitting is a naturally occurring behavior most frequently associated with howling or simply being outside watching the day go by. For some reason, however, Humans seem to consider this the most important behavior that a Dog can perform. It is best for the Dog to master this behavior early on to maximize the bark/sit/treat reward cycle potential.

Once the Dog has mastered the “sit” behavior, training will progress to other more bizarre and difficult behaviors such as “stay”, “beg”, “shake hands”, or even the dreaded “roll over” (perhaps one of the most insidious training behaviors, apparently designed to reinforce the evil Human captor’s Alpha status). As with all training activities, Dog scientists are at a loss to explain their purpose, but the more complex and difficult the behavior the more pleasure Humans seem to derive from it and the more intelligence is attributed to the Dog. Needless to say, it is important for the Dog to master these behaviors over time to achieve the highest possible status in the pack.

Eventually, the Human will insist that the Dog perform the most difficult behavior of all: “come”. This behavior is difficult for most Dogs to master for a variety of reasons. First, it is difficult for the Human to indicate what is expected. Training this behavior is usually preceded by training the “stay” behavior. Once the “stay” is mastered, the Human will inexplicably walk away some distance from the Dog and begin emitting other different sounding barks. At this point, the Dog is usually not sure if he is to “stay” some more, sit down, roll over, or simply eliminate and run off.

During the process, the Human will frequently make odd, wild gestures with its malformed front legs and paws, and emit additional whining, pleading barking sounds which make no sense to the Dog whatsoever. Once the Dog realizes that moving toward the vicinity of the Human causes the Human pleasure as evidenced by the Human’s “happy” bark, the Dog will venture closer and closer until the Human emits the “reward” bark and gives the Dog a nourishment pellet treat. On subsequent repetitions of the behavior in a controlled environment, the Dog will eventually be conditioned to respond quickly and run towards the Human in anticipation of the reward.

At some point, the Human will believe that the Dog has mastered the “come” training behavior. This is when the Human will realize the true difficulty of mastering the “come” behavior and the futility of this endeavor. After years of research, Dog scientists have concluded that Humans simply do not understand the single-minded intensity with which the purposeful Dog stalks or pursues prey. It is simply not realistic for Humans to expect Dogs to respond to the Human’s “come” bark when the Dog is focused intently on stalking a bird or a cat, or when the Dog is in heated pursuit of a rabbit, the “mail man”, or a young Human pup on a “bicycle” apparatus. Humans for some reason cannot seem to comprehend that it is not in the Dog’s nature to be bothered with or attentive to the desires of its feeble Human “master” in these situations. In addition, the expectation for reward resulting from a successful outcome of the Dog’s pursuit is far more compelling to the Dog than the expectation of a receiving a nourishment pellet from its dull-witted Human “master”.

Regardless, Humans will spend years attempting to compel the Dog to master the “come” behavior. It can be a fun a rewarding activity for the Dog in a controlled environment absent other distractions, and the Dog’s Human captor will derive great pleasure from the occasional conformity of the Dog to this behavior.

In addition to these “training” activities, Humans frequently engage in other playtime activities that actually seem designed for the Dog’s pleasure and benefit, and more closely resemble play as defined by the Dog. These activities can include “tug-of-war”, “wrestling”, “chasing”, “tag”, or simply “rolling around” on the ground. These are fun activities for both the Dog and the Human, but the Dog must always remember to suppress his instinct to include biting as part of playtime. For some reason, Humans do not appreciate and will generally punish the Dog for engaging in this perfectly normal playtime behavior. Dog scientists believe that this is probably due to the Human’s pathetically thin skin and lack of fur, its pitifully malformed snout and jaw, and its embarrassingly small and dull teeth, all of which put its at a significant disadvantage and interfere with its ability to fully enjoy biting.

One final observation on Dog-Human playtime interaction involves a peculiar Human activity called “fetch”. Every Dog that plays with a Human will eventually be confronted with this bizarre behavior. It is difficult to explain, but essentially the Human has an object such as a stick or a “toy”, and is very proud of this possession. Suddenly, the Human is no longer proud of the possession, and using its malformed front legs and paws with their deformed “opposable thumb” claws, inexplicably throws the possession as far away as possible, relinquishing possession of the object with a loud and excited bark.

The Dog will see this as an opportunity to gain possession of the apparently highly desirous object, and run after it. Once the Dog has possession of the object, the Human for some reason invariably decides that it wants the object back, and begins frantically barking at the Dog to retrieve it and return it to the Human. When confronted with this odd behavior, most self-respecting Dogs simply run away from the Human, and, being very proud of the newly acquired possession, bury it or otherwise protect it from being taken away by the Human or some other animal.

Some members of the Dogs race, however, have been genetically altered over the years by their evil Human captors such that the poor mutant creatures are instinctively predisposed to obediently return possession of these abandoned objects to the Human. Dog scientists continue to study what specific defect in Dog genetics is being exploited to perpetuate this disturbing behavior.

Topic 4: Mating

From a Dog’s perspective it is extremely difficult to understand the Human attitude towards mating. As with nourishment, there is an obvious “double standard” within the pack. Along with the Human’s incredibly peculiar and inconsistent behavior in this regard, mating is a very complicated and perplexing issue for the average Dog and its Human “master”.

Although the Dog is generally indifferent to the subject of mating, Humans are curiously preoccupied with the Dog’s mating habits. Perhaps this obsession lies in the fact that while Dogs are interested in mating only during certain moon cycles and derive little pleasure from the chore, Humans are fixated with this task to the point of debilitating obsession. From years of study and observation, Dog scientists have concluded that in fact, mating is the primary Human pursuit, more important than even the procurement of food or shelter.

Despite their claimed penchant for “monogamous relationships” and “mating for life”, Humans are exceedingly promiscuous and indiscriminate in their mating practices. This is especially true of younger Humans. Yet, as obsessed as they are with mating, the mating rituals are almost exclusively performed in private, as if Humans are somehow ashamed of this natural activity. Further, the Human’s obsession with mating does not manifest itself only during certain moon cycles as with most normal creatures. It is present at all times, day and night, day in and day out.

Curiously, in spite of this frenetic mating activity, Humans rarely produce litters, and the litters they produce are pitifully small, usually consisting of only one or sometimes two pups. Three or more pups in a litter is a very rare occurrence that subjects the brood bitch and her litter to unusual attention and notoriety and much celebratory barking among Humans.

All of this is very puzzling to Dog scientists, but they have concluded that these perversions, along with the Human’s practical need to intervene in Dog evolution to ensure continuing Human domination, have led to the practice of cruel and unnatural Human “management” of Dog mating.

In fact, most Dogs are lucky to reproduce at all. Dog scientists are convinced that this is related in some way a mysterious procedure whereby the Dog is taken to the “den of painful sticking and identification portal probing” where he or she is induced to take a nap by Humans in white coats, only to awaken with painful injuries in the abdominal or marking apparatus areas and no further interest in mating at all.

Dogs who are fortunate enough to avoid this painful and humiliating procedure are usually members of the elite races of mutated Dog created by Humans for their own decorative and competitive Dog assessment and judgment ceremony purposes. These unfortunate, deformed, neurotic creatures are forced to mate at every possible opportunity with carefully selected like specimens (unlike their Human “masters” who mate indiscriminately), with their mating rituals closely monitored and observed by their Human “handlers” (who hypocritically demand privacy for their own mating rituals). There is even speculation among Dog scientists that Humans even derive some type of reward or compensation for these dog mating activities (even though Humans prohibit such reward or compensation for mating between themselves).

As with other areas of the Dog-Human relationship, mating is a complicated area that is best ignored by the Dog, who should simply be thankful for daily nourishment and a warm place to sleep.

Topic 5: Moving Dens

“Moving Dens” are and integral and frequently misunderstood part of Human culture. As a Dog enslaved by your evil Human “master”, at some point you will experience the “moving den”. This “moving den” is a diabolical contraption devised by frail and weak Humans to compensate for their inability to travel long distances or to cover large hunting territories and chase down prey. Moving dens, as we will see in this topic, possess both good and evil qualities for Dogs.

From an entertainment standpoint, moving dens offer an interesting diversion from the boring and mundane daily life around the normal stationary den. The Dog typically adapt easily to the moving den and quickly become alert to the Human “go for a ride” bark, or the jingling of small metal objects that usually precedes a visit to the moving den.

The Dog is first invited into the den or placed inside it by its Human “master”, who apparently has some influence or control over the moving den. Then, a loud noise will be heard and the den will begin moving on its own, and after a while the moving den will stop moving and its Dog and Human occupants will be at a different location. This is the most powerful of all Human magic, as yet unexplained by any known Dog science.

During the procedure, the Dog should not be alarmed by the scenes flashing rapidly by the moving den’s “viewing portals”. This is normal as the moving den propels its occupants to the new location. In fact, once the natural fear of the moving den is overcome, the Human “master” may occasionally allow the Dog to extend its head outside an open viewing portal, providing one of the great Dog pleasures of the Human world. One tactic that has proven effective in compelling the Human to open the viewing portal is for the Dog to regurgitate some of the contents of his stomach into the moving den.

In the interest of self-preservation, the other important thing a Dog must know regarding moving dens is that any moving den in which the Dog is not an occupant becomes a mighty predator and the natural enemy of the Dog. In fact, predatory moving dens are the only natural predator of the Dog and are the number one killer of Dogs in Human society. Predatory moving dens seek out unwary Dogs and crush them to death under their powerful paws, showing no mercy for their hapless victims. Predatory moving dens are ruthless, evil monsters that kill viciously and without provocation or remorse. They apparently kill simply for the thrill of killing because they have never been observed eating their downed prey.

For this reason, moving dens in which the Dog is not an occupant, all moving den paths and trails, and all places where moving dens congregate are to be feared and avoided by the Dog at all times.

Part III: Conclusion

Dogs adapting to a new, modern world dominated by Humans face many challenges and opportunities. This study of Human behavior illustrates many of the fascinating and sometimes dangerous aspects of dealing effectively and productively with Humans. Armed with a better understanding of these unfortunate, pitiful creatures, Dogs can continue their longstanding tradition of manipulating Humans for the Dog’s benefit, ensuring that Dogs are perpetually fed, cared for, entertained by their so-called Human “masters”, who are none the wiser for their troubles.

  

Copyright © 1998, Dr. Ranger P. Snufflebutt, All Rights Reserved
This Document Constitutes Proprietary Trade Secrets of Dogs and May Not Be Disclosed to Any Human

 

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